We are warned, from daylight till dark: Not to travel to certain countries and even continents. Not to make toast while bathing. Not to play video games in dark rooms or for long stretches or with sticky fingers. We are warned about the tragedies that might befall should we stumble into a movie that is too scary, coarse or violent, or if we eat too much saturated fat, or forget to reapply the sun block, or toss plastic wrap into Junior's crib, or try to do pretty much anything at home.

These days, one can't turn around without being warned, which seems to be having an effect similar to what psychologists call the "overmanaged child syndrome." The more we are warned, the more inept we become, the more warning we need. It's especially true this time of year, when one is sorely tempted to contract STDs under the office-party mistletoe, or to plug in the tree while dipping one's nose in the punch.

In the spirit of giving, we offer a new batch of warnings to see you safely through this treacherous season (Adapted from actual warning labels on video games, movies, food products, toys and government travel advisories):

WARNING: Office Christmas party in progress. Leave reporting structure and long-term memory at door. Maudlin outbursts and angry drunks prohibited.

CAUTION: This plum pudding contains unpasteurized fruit juices, 151-proof rum, lard and traces of inebriated chef's saliva. Do not place near flame or extreme heat. To lift, bend knees not back. May pose risks to persons with compromised immune systems, blocked arteries and/or lack of self-discipline.

BE CAREFUL! If you or anyone in your family has ever had symptoms related to epilepsy when exposed to flashing lights, consult your doctor prior to plugging in your Christmas tree. to reduce possibility of such symptoms, sit at a minimum of 61/2 feet away from tree. Keep room lights on. Do not gaze at it if you are tired. Stop gazing for at least 10 to 20 minutes each hour.

STAY ALERT: Canadian travellers are advised to remain vigilant with regard to their personal security and to exercise caution when visiting Whistler, B.C. Motorists may encounter avalanches, floods, ice, snow, fog, aggressive drivers, maddenly cautious drivers, scary police officers, distractingly beautiful scenery, oncoming SUV blindness, sheer drops, and al-Qaida operatives disguised as local snowboarders.

WATCH FOR FOREIGN PARTS: Some people are susceptible to dizziness, weak knees, involuntary movements and convulsions following prolonged exposure to items contained in this gift basket from The Art of Loving. Allergy warning: may contain penis. Batteries not included.